Sep 2017

source // giphy

Law balls are usually wedged in the middle of semester, which means preparations can get put on the backburner. Before you know it, you’re hunting for suits an hour before the event or drying your nails in the Uber to the venue. Here are some tips on how to best avoid looking like a hot mess by lining everything up a year in advance.



1. Arriving fashionably late in a private jet


Nobody has the time or money for Uber surge prices during peak hours. Naturally, it makes logical sense to spend even more on an exorbitant (but lavish) private jet. Your friends will be, like, totally impressed and envious, though maybe a little miffed if their trains get sucked into your jet’s wind turbines (but cross that bridge when you get there). Lifelong debt? Never heard of it, to be honest!


2. Vetting dates early

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This could be you, pretending to be a ruthless HR at a top tier law firm, denying an applicant because their angular bone structure just wouldn’t complement your profile picture. We’re talking supreme neo-classical beauty with perfect proportions à la Vitruvian Man, and a MENSA-level IQ. Some would say you’d be dreaming, but what do they know? Are they preparing for law ball a year in advance? No, because they aren’t as smart as you.


3. Predicting trends by visiting a fortune-teller

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Are Vogue and Cosmopolitan starting to fail you? Of course they are! You want to be ahead of the curve, not riding off people’s coattails. But have you tried consulting the realm of the metaphysical, the world beyond the veil of reality, for style advice? Try your hand at predicting fashion trends in a year’s time by communicating with spirits at your local fortune-teller. The tarot cards might reveal stiletto-sneakers as the next big thing and probably the date of your death. Consider that last part a bonus. After all, a little certainty wouldn’t hurt in this cruel, mysterious world.


4. Hiring a smile coach

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Ever been startled by your lopsided smile after flipping your selfies? Or cried yourself to sleep because your partner ended your long term relationship over your physical imperfections? It’s because your smile is asymmetrical. But it’s easy to fix. Hire a personal smile coach. Whether you’ve got plenty of pearly-whites or a mouthful of tombstones, a smile coach will turn them into date magnets. And if you’re still utterly repellent? Well, nobody likes superficial people anyway.


5. Taking notes at fashion weeks

source // giphy

Oh my God, did Karlie Kloss just walk into law ball? Oh wait! That’s just you stomping into the venue with the constipated smize and fierce strut you learnt at the Mercedes-Benz and London Fashion Weeks. If you start nailing your stride and posture a whole year in advance, you’ll go from knock-kneed newborn fawn to runway model in no time.


6. Attending intensive dance courses in The Big Apple

source // buzzfeed

The old jump-and-scream-on-the-dancefloor is so passé. However, contemporary dance is en vogue. Book a flight to New York City and take some ballet, lyrical and tap dance classes. Train daily until your excruciating bunions and callouses have all but crippled you and throbbing back pains keep you up all night. But imagine going into a triple pirouette and jumping into the splits while everyone else is still pretending to know the lyrics to Kanye West’s “Gold Digger”. Sounds pretty cool, huh? While you’ll probably never be able to walk again on account of your early onset osteoarthritis, at least you’ll be known in every corner of the law school as that person who flew all the way to NYC just to impress everyone with their dancing abilities. NB: I accept no liability for any resulting infamy (but will happily take credit if it makes you popular).

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